And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
