Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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