she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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