forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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