Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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