i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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