One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
