Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
