OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
