Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
