just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
