can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
