And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
