party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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