K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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