he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
