so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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