You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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