mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
pop tarts are not kleenex
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
