She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
