some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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