I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
