The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
