Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
