I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
