I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
