Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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