the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
