god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm jealous of your bromance
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
