Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
