Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
