no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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