Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
