I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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