Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I wear drunk well.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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