Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
