I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
