We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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