Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
