I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?