She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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