you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
