thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
