Sponge bath it is.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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