I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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