overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
