i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
