I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
