Joe is yelling at the trees again.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
