Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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