She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
