I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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