the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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