If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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