what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
