she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
