He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Randomize
